9-11 Christmas

My 3 year-old daughter sat perched in her car seat as I drove my truck along the quiet country highway.  She chattered to herself and my thoughts slipped to a place far away, a place that had become like a dim, lurking monster.  I wondered how long it would be a threat, and how many more of our own would fall prey to its insane terror. 

It didn’t feel like December 1st, and I thought of how dim this holiday would be.  I mused that perhaps people wouldn’t put up their lights as always.  In fact, there didn’t seem to beany up at all.  I hadn’t given much thought to holiday celebrations, everything seemed quiet, low key – and the spiraling economy only added to my dampened spirit.

 My broodings were abruptly brought to a squealing halt as we turned off the highway and onto the main street of a quaint New Hampshire town. 

“Looook Mama, Looook! The lights! OHHH! Can we get some of those?!”

Her enthusiasm should have broken my windshield; her shrieks reached to upper registers only heard by dogs. Her reveries would silence as she peered ahead, waiting for the next glimpse of glittering sparkles and then, once spotted, her cheers would resound through the cab.  

It continued on – each window, tree, bedecked reindeer eliciting pure happiness, joyful exclamations, and sounding claps.  I joined in, laughing and filled with incredible joy.   I realized then and there that it is impossible to be glum when you are in the company of a three-year old who is experiencing Christmas lights. 

This is the season that came with a promise and a hope, I thought, and in the quiet moments between the lights, I decided to hold my friends and family a little tighter this season and greet Christmas morning with great hope.  And I promised myself that if my thoughts ever started a downward spiral, I’d bundle her into the truck and we’d go look for lights.

SAME OLD CABINET

Same Old Cabinet

In my kitchen, the cabinets began
springing off the wall.
Behind their closed, crooked doors,
seams had separated, and
steadfastness slipped away.

I moved deliberately,
opening doors with care,
stacking dishes gently.
I was tentative and alert,
eyes fixed on the cabinets’
shuddering sinews.
I wanted to bolt.

The weight of their fall, I knew,
would break me with it.
I imagined myself,
broken boxes where
my body used to be,
The wicked witch, only
striped socks and pointy shoes
to show for myself.

Even then, I doubted. I discussed
the situation with friends: “Are you
seeing what I’m seeing?” They nodded
and said, “We told you this already.”

I called the carpenter. I learned the cabinets
could be fixed, but first I’d need to empty them.
I weighed out danger verses
upheaval before telling him yes.

On all my flat surfaces, I built
wobbly stacks of plates and glasses,
jars and cans. The carpenter left behind
gouged walls and a fine dust
that filled my lungs.

Outside the kitchen’s empty, ugly landscape,
I organized the chaos, carving out space
to eat, and work, and dream.

In the carpenter’s shop, the shaky seams
met with glue and screws,
And I came home to find the cabinets
hanging again, straight and true

That day, and the days following, I had no
desire to put everything back.
Then, I couldn’t quite remember
how it had been. I suspected the cabinets
had been mounted upside down.

Eventually I tucked it all back in.
The new arrangement was different,
but I had to admit, it was good,
and maybe, even better, than before.

My space is now safe and strong and stable.
Nothing angles out at me, threatening
to hurl a single dish or all of them at once.

But now, every time I look into the kitchen,
I still see those cabinets leaning.
I’m still running my hands along the seams
between the cabinet and the wall.

I’m not sure how long before
my eyes believe what my head knows;
how long before I stop waiting for
it all to come crashing down.

And now you’re home too, this old shape of you
that’s had a fair amount of screw and glue
to stand
you
up
straight.

I’ve gotten used to my peaceful cairns,
and I’m not sure how to move about you anymore.
I’m sorry to say, that most days,
I don’t even want to try.

What my head knows and
my heart believes are two different things.
When I look at you,
you’re still swaying.

-Chali Davis